2015

as the year turned over and the world stepped forward into the new dawn, i had so many wishes, but only one at the fore: love. 

orange juice

it was orange juice, right? i asked as i came out of the doors behind him.
he straightened and looked at me in surprise. yes.
here! i smiled bigger and handed him the carton.
thank you! he said as i opened my umbrella and headed back into the storm.
--
could you buy me some orange juice? he asked as i rushed up to the grocery doors, closing my umbrella and moving quickly out of the downpour.
no, no i'm sorry, i responded. sorry.
he returned to his position, leaning against the wall, looking out at the rain, prepared to ask again when another person came along.
his request was so specific, so odd a thing to ask for - not change, not a sandwich, not some food in general. before i had even gone a few steps into the store i had decided. i was only going in for milk and the orange juice was right across from it, it wasn't that much money or even an inconvenience.
did he want one with or without pulp? would it matter?
i stared at the orange juice for a few moments, and grabbed one that was more substance than filler and gimmicks

this is a truth.

thoughts

this year has been so busy that i've been missing many things. i've found that i've been less motivated to actually start on projects and actually finish things. so far this year i've spent the first three months stuck in project hell, then on post-project hell, followed by two trips, a number of work changes, catching up on work things, a really not fun work thing (that was thanks to a 3rd party software i work on), and then finally by a situation that has now been nixed but leaves an aftermath. top all of that off with various responsibilities, some tragedies, and my overall lack of energy and i've not really spent time doing anything. i sit and stare at facebook and maybe one or two other sites. i watch the tv. i try not to fall asleep at random, then i do just that. i dream things - both waking and asleep.

so far this year a small number of dolls have come in, a number of event heads have joined the pile, and only two dolls have been painted by me. i've not really sewn for them. i've bought some random things here and there for them. uncanny didn't happen as i have no time to plan it anymore so handed it off to someone else at the very start of the year. one of my dolls got painted by meiselmaus. (i probably totally spelled that wrong...most people would know them as something else anyway.) i miss the dolls despite them being all over the place in my tiny apartment.

i haven't edited photos for months. don't even have some of them moved to my computer from the cameras yet. i'm holding out hope that i will get to them in the ever-present "soon".

i've come to the conclusion that i need to figure out a strategy to get some things done that i want to do. there are plans afoot for next year and i want to be able to have some projects done in time for them. i need to reengage and reconnect with things in my life outside of work and simply slogging along in the ruts.

you don't need to care, but thanks for reading if you did. i just needed to get this out there for me. <3 p="">

sometimes there's poems

decadent
dripping with darkness
and glamour
the brightest beauty
tarnished in the light
magnificent
in the dark and dusty
halls of this
crumbling
decaying
dream
filled with eternal
night.

a short piece

have heart, she said as the rain pattered on the tin roof. life isn't always easy, but someday things will be better. someday, you'll understand. 

her hand rested briefly on my head, fingers lacing through my hair. then, just like that, she was gone - running down the walk, purse held above her head to provide some small protection, the bracelets on her right wrist jingling as she handed her suitcase to the taxi driver. faux fur coat and shiny peach heels the last memory of her as she disappeared.

years passed on that porch and she was right: it wasn't always easy, but it did get better - much better without her. we lived on and flourished, happy with our lot in life the hint of our sadness and confusion hidden beneath bright smiles.

no, mom, i whisper to the memory from time to time, no, i'll never understand.

summer slipping away

oh hey, so i’m alive i think…too much work, a week away (cali and disneyland for the first time ever), and then a ton more work. been trying not to fall asleep at, like, 6pm, as it means i wake up at random hours and have to force myself back to bed soon thereafter. new dolls came in, i fought with the post office, i have a ton of photos to process. drunk harry potter was a thing at an event. um…that’s all i can remember right now. i can’t believe it is already august. why is it already august? WHY??? 

sometimes i write

sometimes i wonder
if i prick my fingers
will my blood flow red
or glowing glitter
burn with the fire
of dreams and songs
sung only in the ether
lost in the night
of perpetual silence
will my heart beat
slither away
to nothing
quiet
until a spark again ignites
roiling consumptive inspiration
to the tallest spires
whereupon only thought remains
to watch the falling stars
as they rain
upon the shores
like tiny points of fire
setting the world ablaze.

one month on...

so a good month has passed since i last posted (as usual) and things are somewhat better. i managed to get caught up as of yesterday all because i worked from home and didn't have to take calls for a week. the reason i didn't have to take calls for a week? i was on a work trip. first person from my department to be sent on a client on-site ever. i got to go see a client that i've been working with as their exclusive person for one of our products for over a year now, which was cool. it was a nice, though quick, trip.

.:more after the jump:.

slow spiral

this year is just not going anywhere for me. i feel like i'm constantly running in circles and hitting the wall again and again. i've tackled a major project, ignored most of my social and personal life, and feel like a failure. i take the most calls nearly every day and, when i don't, i'm in the top three - unless i purposefully am off the phones doing other things. i'm constantly feeling like i'm on the phone and getting a backlog of cases to enter with next to no means of getting the time to catch up. i'm given means to try and catch up and it all goes down the toilet after a few days because we're so busy.

i'm just so done with it. i feel like i'm barely treading water and am about to sink. i'm pulling everyone back and fucking things up all because i can't keep up. i need to find something else before i explode. i found myself sitting on the bus home today imagining things with more feeling behind them than i had in a very long time. i'm miserable. i have no escapes - no time or energy for my hobbies. if i step away any more from what little i do online, i'll have virtually no socialization outside of the little i get at work (customer calls don't count). not to mention, i don't do much online anymore anyway, so the timesucks i do get stuck in are the only way of 'relaxing' that i have.

grah! i don't know what else to say...it's just...all i want to do most days is curl up in a ball and either cry or sleep. i don't want to deal with this anymore.

hablargle

so dead. so behind. so stressed. can has sleep forever now?

can has holiday?

too much work.

dying.

send life.

need friends.

halp.