slow spiral

this year is just not going anywhere for me. i feel like i'm constantly running in circles and hitting the wall again and again. i've tackled a major project, ignored most of my social and personal life, and feel like a failure. i take the most calls nearly every day and, when i don't, i'm in the top three - unless i purposefully am off the phones doing other things. i'm constantly feeling like i'm on the phone and getting a backlog of cases to enter with next to no means of getting the time to catch up. i'm given means to try and catch up and it all goes down the toilet after a few days because we're so busy.

i'm just so done with it. i feel like i'm barely treading water and am about to sink. i'm pulling everyone back and fucking things up all because i can't keep up. i need to find something else before i explode. i found myself sitting on the bus home today imagining things with more feeling behind them than i had in a very long time. i'm miserable. i have no escapes - no time or energy for my hobbies. if i step away any more from what little i do online, i'll have virtually no socialization outside of the little i get at work (customer calls don't count). not to mention, i don't do much online anymore anyway, so the timesucks i do get stuck in are the only way of 'relaxing' that i have.

grah! i don't know what else to say...it's just...all i want to do most days is curl up in a ball and either cry or sleep. i don't want to deal with this anymore.