pale with horror

i've not been very active here or anywhere really except for keeping up with my post a day on tumblr. there really hasn't been much going on in my life anyway. christmas was good, cons are coming up in march, work is work and has taken over my life. i'm slowly working on uncanny for this year as well. i had a three day weekend this weekend and didn't really accomplish anything. yeah, that's how awesome my life is. i've been accomplishing less in my life than when i was unemployed a year ago. such a cheery thought.


*sigh* i actually miss my old job. i've started some new training at the new job, but i'm just not into anything. too much stress, hours that are slowly killing me, and very little social life. at least i have a job, right?

sad thing is, i'm coming up on another birthday and, while i have a job this year, i'm still in no better position otherwise. i'm still fat, have next to no ambition in what i am doing, and no love life to speak of. i've likely said it before and will say it again, but i don't think that i'll ever find someone at this rate. i just haven't met anyone in ages that i'm attracted to more than a little physical attraction.definitely no mental connection for ages.

the last time i even had someone in my life that i could kinda call a boyfriend was nearly 9 years ago. i don't even know what to do with a relationship anymore. yes, i do like my freedom and i'm a somewhat solitary person a lot, but i miss that connection. i don't want a relationship with the end result of children and a family, i want one that is simply two people being in love and being together. hell, all of the few relationships i've had were flawed and not really good. one was pretty much a typical high school relationship, another just a quick fling, and the last was mostly online. none of those are even good to judge a real relationship with and i've changed so much since them.

blah. nobody really cares anyway. no one will read this.

going back to the subject of my birthday, i really want to do something, but i don't want to have to be the person to initiate it. i hate my birthday because no one will be around or have time to do anything anyways. there's a meet that saturday, but that will probably be about all i end up doing because everyone will be busy otherwise.

*sigh* is it too much to ask for an actual birthday? i feel so selfish for even just wanting someone to acknowledge it without it being on facebook or via text or because they're reminded of it by me ahead of time. i don't want it to be at work where my manager will have it up on the board. i want someone to simply remember and do something nice for me. even if it is just bringing me a cookie and giving me a hug and telling me happy birthday.

again, nobody really cares, so being selfish doesn't matter because nothing will happen and it'll just be another year with some meaningless text on a page and proof that i'm not special for even one moment of one day.