falling apart

so it's been a little over a month since i last posted, but it has gone by so fast. my schedule now causes work to take up so much of my life that the days blur together. this is also the first weekend in a while that i haven't been out doing things. in the past month i've spent my weekends out and about seeing the tut exhibit, at doll meets, and at doll shows. i've been so busy on the weekends that i finally had to decide not to go anywhere this one. sadly, that meant i gave up going to steam-con yet again. but i won't be sad about that as going even for a day would have done more harm than good (i couldn't really move yesterday morning due to immense pain in my lower back - like, crippling pain).

anyway. i passed six months at my job, had a good Q3 review, but still feel stressed. i can't help it, the hours alone stress me since i have to fight against the natural schedule my body wants to keep. the dark circles beneath my eyes have returned after years of only appearing at the worst of times. i think that the various other pains i've been feeling are due to the stress. it's hard to believe that a year ago i was in the throes of closing down the company i'd worked at for over 7 years, then spent around 4 months without a job. that time seems so far away...yet here i find myself considering updating my resume yet again and plunging back into the job search.

it would probably be the smart thing. i don't know how much longer i can take this...

i wish life were easier sometimes. that i was truly good at something that i could parlay into a good job. i don't think that i'll ever be that person who has a job that fits them well. i'll only ever continue to float along with the things that work for me. i know that certain things will never happen because it's easier to dream them than to ever actually find them - pretty impossible in most cases to find or create the opportunities.

then there's the ever persistent void that will always be yawning behind me, waiting to overcome everything. the dreams, the ethereal, the unknown that only i can see. the things that always stand at bay, waiting to eat me up, burn me out, take me away. they wait for the final strings to be cut that tether me to being "normal" and that i know giving in to would cost me more than my occasional weirdness. people already don't understand me a good amount of the time, i can only imagine what would happen if i gave in. yet i know that, someday, i won't have to wonder because i'll be old enough to be eccentric and not care.

forgive me, introspection isn't always the kindest of things.

the last little bit i want to put down here is a lament. it has been so many years since i last felt love, last was intimate with anyone, that i now believe i will never find love again. i've been told that i have too high of standards, but standards are out the window when i can't even find anyone that i want to get to know. and how are "nice guy with a good job and at least a few similar interests" high standards? i'd just like to meet a guy who i can have an intelligent conversation with and who can make me laugh, all without making me fell like an idiot. it's been 13 years and i've had two flings and a semi-serious internet romance. is it too much to ask that i meet a guy who isn't already beyond my reach or who doesn't just want to be friends? i suppose things aren't helping since i have no time to be out anywhere i could meet someone anymore.

i think i'm making an art of falling apart...