a dream that won't go away

last night i had a dream. it won't go away. it won't leave me alone. it's wanted me back.

and i've wanted it.

i've wanted it bad. i was so happy in it. overwhelmed with happiness. so full i could have burst. so full that i want to cry for losing it.

it's one of those dreams that is beautiful in it's strangeness.

i remember sitting at a table at an event and some woman coming up and sitting down and talking to those of us there. i remember her commenting something about babies. something negative. i was sad and looked at her a little distraught. i don't know if i only thought it or if i said it, but i said "but you do know i'm carrying your grandchild..." and she looked at me shocked and shut up because she did know.

i remember thinking it was my wedding. or maybe i've confused it with a subsequent sequence in which i was married.

there was traveling around and a sudden jump out of a car to get married a second time on a dirt road by a lake. an unknown friend presided. my husband held me close, laughing as much as me. i was safe. our friend was smiling like an idiot and forgot to say we could kiss. he pulled me close and kissed me anyways, melding our bodies together.

i was so happy. it was so encompassing.

his arms were encompassing.

his smile was beautiful.

i was waking up...an ex superimposed over his face. but it wasn't the ex. it wasn't want for that ex, it was my brain filling in the blanks from when i felt happy like that before.

i wish i could see his face.

his real face.

is he real?

i hope.

maybe the dream will return tonight?