the void

so i read back over what i posted last night to try and see what was bugging me when i wrote about the void the dolls fill. now that i'm more awake, i think i can better describe this void.

i wasn't really into dolls as a child. my mom has mentioned this several times since i introduced her to the fact that i own dolls now as an adult and am a collector. i've never understood how people play with dolls. i mean, i guess i played with dolls as a child...but i don't really remember playing with them with other kids that much. i remember not being able to grasp how to interact via the dolls - mostly barbies of course - and create a story with other kids. things had to be more involved, i wanted the dolls to pose better and to be able to do more with them. frustration with non-bendable legs or barbie's famous won't-stay-bent-enough legs is something i remember a lot of. also the fact that most dolls were poorly made or you couldn't get clothing for. i still have all of my dolls. even the barbies with the early neck pieces that allowed them to look any direction but tended to break the necks. nearly all of them were gifts from family and have sentimental value to the point that i can't bring myself to part with them. store bought toys were always a result of holidays or birthdays. always something of great circumstance. these were moments you planned for weeks in advance - unlike most of my friends who's parents would simply buy them what they wanted most times.


anyway. i had some extended "family" that made miniature doll houses and the customization aspect really interested me. i was always one of the first kids to get to play with the large mansions they would make for local charity raffles. i was so enamored that i tried to make miniature furniture once. i think i was in middle school at that time and my friends were starting to move beyond dolls. i'd been drawing clothing designs back in elementary school and time and again had tried to make clothes of my own creation for my dolls. mostly this amounted to draping them with whatever scraps of fabric i pulled from my stash or the sewing room and just playing around.

this desire for customization and creation of items persists through to this day. several years back i picked up a barbie and sewed part of an outfit onto her. it's a silly thing and i gave up quickly. around the same time i had picked up a different barbie and cut her hair - the only time that i have ever done such a thing - and never did anything after cutting it. they just didn't work for what i wanted. the old frustrations came back: the dolls just weren't right for what i wanted to do. i wanted to be able to make them my own. i didn't really know about the repaints or anything like that since i was on my own and didn't really think to try it. oh, i'd seen some and whatnot, but i'd not known that there was a large group out there doing such things. i knew about the fashion dolls somewhat, but wasn't into them at all. i wanted something beautiful like the asian dolls i grew up seeing in the homes of family friends, yet somehow exciting and wonderful like the seasonal bob mackie barbies. i wanted something bigger, yet delicate, and that i could create wonderful things for. i just never could find it when i would listlessly look in stores.

then an artist i like posted up a picture of one of her dolls with a link to her doll journal. i'm sure i'd seen bad pictures of abjds before, but this time there were good pictures and - of all things - an explanation of what i was looking at! i looked up the doll company immediately and found more types. i looked around more and found other companies, other styles, other places to get items for them that went beyond the typical flimsy barbie clothing. after that it pretty much snowballed. though i went back and forth for a year on which doll to get, agonizing over the fact that, just when i was ready to buy a mnf shushu, luts stopped taking paypal. for the rest of that year i agonized over it, looked at pictures of her every day while checking to see if luts was accepting paypal again. then the opportunity came and i seized it.

now look at me: happily ensconced in the hobby, dolls and craft supplies taking over my apartment. the outlet they offer combines so many of the things that i'm interested in doing - beading, photography, costuming, painting...the list goes on. i'm loving it more all the time. though, yes, there are times that i can't stand to look at a doll or a project or i question what i'm doing. it happens. i get over it. i put one away for a bit then come back and find my love for them renewed along with new ideas flowing to the surface.

ah well, i'm to the point of rambling on now. i'm going to shut up after saying this one last thing: i hope that everyone finds their own inspiration and feels a similar fulfillment through their dolls. :)