a short piece

have heart, she said as the rain pattered on the tin roof. life isn't always easy, but someday things will be better. someday, you'll understand. 

her hand rested briefly on my head, fingers lacing through my hair. then, just like that, she was gone - running down the walk, purse held above her head to provide some small protection, the bracelets on her right wrist jingling as she handed her suitcase to the taxi driver. faux fur coat and shiny peach heels the last memory of her as she disappeared.

years passed on that porch and she was right: it wasn't always easy, but it did get better - much better without her. we lived on and flourished, happy with our lot in life the hint of our sadness and confusion hidden beneath bright smiles.

no, mom, i whisper to the memory from time to time, no, i'll never understand.

summer slipping away

oh hey, so i’m alive i think…too much work, a week away (cali and disneyland for the first time ever), and then a ton more work. been trying not to fall asleep at, like, 6pm, as it means i wake up at random hours and have to force myself back to bed soon thereafter. new dolls came in, i fought with the post office, i have a ton of photos to process. drunk harry potter was a thing at an event. um…that’s all i can remember right now. i can’t believe it is already august. why is it already august? WHY??? 

sometimes i write

sometimes i wonder
if i prick my fingers
will my blood flow red
or glowing glitter
burn with the fire
of dreams and songs
sung only in the ether
lost in the night
of perpetual silence
will my heart beat
slither away
to nothing
quiet
until a spark again ignites
roiling consumptive inspiration
to the tallest spires
whereupon only thought remains
to watch the falling stars
as they rain
upon the shores
like tiny points of fire
setting the world ablaze.

one month on...

so a good month has passed since i last posted (as usual) and things are somewhat better. i managed to get caught up as of yesterday all because i worked from home and didn't have to take calls for a week. the reason i didn't have to take calls for a week? i was on a work trip. first person from my department to be sent on a client on-site ever. i got to go see a client that i've been working with as their exclusive person for one of our products for over a year now, which was cool. it was a nice, though quick, trip.

.:more after the jump:.

slow spiral

this year is just not going anywhere for me. i feel like i'm constantly running in circles and hitting the wall again and again. i've tackled a major project, ignored most of my social and personal life, and feel like a failure. i take the most calls nearly every day and, when i don't, i'm in the top three - unless i purposefully am off the phones doing other things. i'm constantly feeling like i'm on the phone and getting a backlog of cases to enter with next to no means of getting the time to catch up. i'm given means to try and catch up and it all goes down the toilet after a few days because we're so busy.

i'm just so done with it. i feel like i'm barely treading water and am about to sink. i'm pulling everyone back and fucking things up all because i can't keep up. i need to find something else before i explode. i found myself sitting on the bus home today imagining things with more feeling behind them than i had in a very long time. i'm miserable. i have no escapes - no time or energy for my hobbies. if i step away any more from what little i do online, i'll have virtually no socialization outside of the little i get at work (customer calls don't count). not to mention, i don't do much online anymore anyway, so the timesucks i do get stuck in are the only way of 'relaxing' that i have.

grah! i don't know what else to say...it's just...all i want to do most days is curl up in a ball and either cry or sleep. i don't want to deal with this anymore.