on religion

someone i know posted a very close-minded and homophobic thing today on facebook. it wasn't them reposting something that someone else put out there in the world, it was them posting their own thoughts and feelings. it was the type of thing that angered me. it angered me because it was the type of thinking that one has when they are indoctrinated and do not think fully for themselves, but instead thump their bible and preach the rhetoric that they have been told is truth. regurgitate it as though there is no other way of living except that which they have been told is the right and proper way. they give no thought to the fact that what they are railing against existed as a thing long before their precious religion was even a spark in someone's mind.

.:more after the jump:.

eeee!

eight days until disney! :D so excite! friends are getting married, i get to go someplace warm, get to hang out with sillylady, get to have fuuuuuuuuuuun! :D

feeling.

there's a feeling. i want that feeling. it will never be mine again.

it's hot...

where are we? cali? wtf? it's been nice weather since sometime in may with very little rain or cloudy days. nopw we have a heat wave and it isn't even juy 5th yet!!! this summer is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuck!

on the next election

one of my canadian friends posted an article about police being america's terrorists and said that they bet current issues like police abuse of power won't be talked about in the election. my response was one that i felt needed to be saved for posterity as i've been trying to figure out how to put my finger on what's-his-idiotic-face's "taking back america" slogan:

of course it won't be. it's going to be another "us vs. them", fear based election centered around things like healthcare. there's not really a big-ticket item emerging just yet, but i think that that one idiot is running on the "i think that it is 1864 and am running on the ass-backwards, nee confederate, ticket" platform.

2015 so far...

well...at least it isn't totally crap. lots of work stuff. not enough energy/motivation to do stuff for/with dolls. meh.

orange juice

it was orange juice, right? i asked as i came out of the doors behind him.
he straightened and looked at me in surprise. yes.
here! i smiled bigger and handed him the carton.
thank you! he said as i opened my umbrella and headed back into the storm.
--
could you buy me some orange juice? he asked as i rushed up to the grocery doors, closing my umbrella and moving quickly out of the downpour.
no, no i'm sorry, i responded. sorry.
he returned to his position, leaning against the wall, looking out at the rain, prepared to ask again when another person came along.
his request was so specific, so odd a thing to ask for - not change, not a sandwich, not some food in general. before i had even gone a few steps into the store i had decided. i was only going in for milk and the orange juice was right across from it, it wasn't that much money or even an inconvenience.
did he want one with or without pulp? would it matter?
i stared at the orange juice for a few moments, and grabbed one that was more substance than filler and gimmicks

this is a truth.

thoughts

this year has been so busy that i've been missing many things. i've found that i've been less motivated to actually start on projects and actually finish things. so far this year i've spent the first three months stuck in project hell, then on post-project hell, followed by two trips, a number of work changes, catching up on work things, a really not fun work thing (that was thanks to a 3rd party software i work on), and then finally by a situation that has now been nixed but leaves an aftermath. top all of that off with various responsibilities, some tragedies, and my overall lack of energy and i've not really spent time doing anything. i sit and stare at facebook and maybe one or two other sites. i watch the tv. i try not to fall asleep at random, then i do just that. i dream things - both waking and asleep.

so far this year a small number of dolls have come in, a number of event heads have joined the pile, and only two dolls have been painted by me. i've not really sewn for them. i've bought some random things here and there for them. uncanny didn't happen as i have no time to plan it anymore so handed it off to someone else at the very start of the year. one of my dolls got painted by meiselmaus. (i probably totally spelled that wrong...most people would know them as something else anyway.) i miss the dolls despite them being all over the place in my tiny apartment.

i haven't edited photos for months. don't even have some of them moved to my computer from the cameras yet. i'm holding out hope that i will get to them in the ever-present "soon".

i've come to the conclusion that i need to figure out a strategy to get some things done that i want to do. there are plans afoot for next year and i want to be able to have some projects done in time for them. i need to reengage and reconnect with things in my life outside of work and simply slogging along in the ruts.

you don't need to care, but thanks for reading if you did. i just needed to get this out there for me. <3 p="">

one month on...

so a good month has passed since i last posted (as usual) and things are somewhat better. i managed to get caught up as of yesterday all because i worked from home and didn't have to take calls for a week. the reason i didn't have to take calls for a week? i was on a work trip. first person from my department to be sent on a client on-site ever. i got to go see a client that i've been working with as their exclusive person for one of our products for over a year now, which was cool. it was a nice, though quick, trip.

.:more after the jump:.

slow spiral

this year is just not going anywhere for me. i feel like i'm constantly running in circles and hitting the wall again and again. i've tackled a major project, ignored most of my social and personal life, and feel like a failure. i take the most calls nearly every day and, when i don't, i'm in the top three - unless i purposefully am off the phones doing other things. i'm constantly feeling like i'm on the phone and getting a backlog of cases to enter with next to no means of getting the time to catch up. i'm given means to try and catch up and it all goes down the toilet after a few days because we're so busy.

i'm just so done with it. i feel like i'm barely treading water and am about to sink. i'm pulling everyone back and fucking things up all because i can't keep up. i need to find something else before i explode. i found myself sitting on the bus home today imagining things with more feeling behind them than i had in a very long time. i'm miserable. i have no escapes - no time or energy for my hobbies. if i step away any more from what little i do online, i'll have virtually no socialization outside of the little i get at work (customer calls don't count). not to mention, i don't do much online anymore anyway, so the timesucks i do get stuck in are the only way of 'relaxing' that i have.

grah! i don't know what else to say...it's just...all i want to do most days is curl up in a ball and either cry or sleep. i don't want to deal with this anymore.

can has holiday?

too much work.

dying.

send life.

need friends.

halp.

ugh~

why does life seem to be so crazy lately? i feel like i've barely kept above water with everything going on, but it's been more that i'm just exhausted and somehow my evenings just go by way too fast. i mean really, how is it the end of may already? wasn't it just january? *sigh*

things i have to do in the next month: update uncanny thread on doa (already a week behind due to vacation and time just disappearing); make dummy of sard body for sewing; design pants for sard body; pack to (FINALLY) move back to my apartment; view space for uncanny with others; neighborhood garage sale day; move; unpack; release more information about things at uncanny; doll show; somehow fit in seeing friends and working on other projects; try not to say fuck it all and hermit.

yup, lots of stuff and somehow i'll make it through...oh well, at least all the stuff i've been doing at work has gotten me first runner up to employee of the month for march (or was it april? seriously, time getting away from me) and, just this past week, a promotion to senior customer service associate. no raise or really any bonus for any of it until the end of the year (thanks parent company!), but the recognition is good. right? sure.

my piece...

over the past 13 years we have become a society steeped in fear; overshadowed by nebulous threat; and fed on hatred. we are told that there are those out to get us and that, because of that, it is okay to act with whatever malice we feel towards those who are different. we place blame and point fingers, being told it is okay to do so and to ignore our own contributions and faults. we are all guilty of some form of tacit acceptance of the way things are today, even if we are outspoken either to the good or the detriment - intelligently in our rhetoric, or blindly in our lashing out.

.:more after the jump:.

i've not been very active here or anywhere really except for keeping up with my post a day on tumblr. there really hasn't been much going on in my life anyway. christmas was good, cons are coming up in march, work is work and has taken over my life. i'm slowly working on uncanny for this year as well. i had a three day weekend this weekend and didn't really accomplish anything. yeah, that's how awesome my life is. i've been accomplishing less in my life than when i was unemployed a year ago. such a cheery thought.

.:more after the jump:.

falling apart

so it's been a little over a month since i last posted, but it has gone by so fast. my schedule now causes work to take up so much of my life that the days blur together. this is also the first weekend in a while that i haven't been out doing things. in the past month i've spent my weekends out and about seeing the tut exhibit, at doll meets, and at doll shows. i've been so busy on the weekends that i finally had to decide not to go anywhere this one. sadly, that meant i gave up going to steam-con yet again. but i won't be sad about that as going even for a day would have done more harm than good (i couldn't really move yesterday morning due to immense pain in my lower back - like, crippling pain).

.:more after the jump:.

come back to me

just wanted to write a quick little post...life has been super busy this past month! first was sakura-con, then starting a new job, plus moving to a temporary apartment at the same time! i'm nearly done moving after two weeks...*sigh* had to get things fixed that they left undone, then actually move. now i'm down to odds and ends, my bed, and fridge. the fridge in the temp apartment makes a horrible rattling noise, so they were supposed to get rid of it today and move the fridge from my apartment in...yeah, didn't happen. >_< the building manager is gonna be so happy when i tell her monday...

anyway. the other exciting news is that i received two boxes from korea today! i received my iple clothing order a month ahead of what i expected and a rather large box from soom. two weeks after i paid off victoria, they shipped her out! :D she's a bronze vesuvia! <3 soooooooo happy to have her! plus the bronze will indeed work beautifully for what i have planned. oh, on top of that, she has all three sets of feet! complete surprise since soom is only sending the fantasy parts with the special order dolls. by that logic and what i gather they have said, she should have only had the partial feet and scorpion high heel shoes. instead i was so happy to find that she had those as well as both high heel and flat feet! :D yay!!! now i can spend a fortune on shoes!!!! XD

i am now older

tick tock goes the clock and i get older until it stops.

.:more after the jump:.

let it snow!

people don't seem to understand how much i love the snow. if i had it my way, it would snow all winter long. snow is just beautiful and happiness for me. i don't like when people go tromping through the few pristine spots outside my window just to be assholes, or the ugly sanded roads, but i can live with it. nor do i like the traffic snarls it causes, but that's not the point. i love watching it fall, the silence of the world and the music of the flakes as they hit the window or whatever is covering my head when outside. i love that strange light that only comes with snow. there's nothing like being out in the middle of a normally busy place and just experiencing that all alone - though i love being out in the middle of nowhere with the snow more.

.:more after the jump:.

T_T*

.....sometimes i can't help but feel it's all my fault.....

a dream that won't go away

last night i had a dream. it won't go away. it won't leave me alone. it's wanted me back.

and i've wanted it.

.:more after the jump:.