on religion

someone i know posted a very close-minded and homophobic thing today on facebook. it wasn't them reposting something that someone else put out there in the world, it was them posting their own thoughts and feelings. it was the type of thing that angered me. it angered me because it was the type of thinking that one has when they are indoctrinated and do not think fully for themselves, but instead thump their bible and preach the rhetoric that they have been told is truth. regurgitate it as though there is no other way of living except that which they have been told is the right and proper way. they give no thought to the fact that what they are railing against existed as a thing long before their precious religion was even a spark in someone's mind.

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it's hot...

where are we? cali? wtf? it's been nice weather since sometime in may with very little rain or cloudy days. nopw we have a heat wave and it isn't even juy 5th yet!!! this summer is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuck!

one month on...

so a good month has passed since i last posted (as usual) and things are somewhat better. i managed to get caught up as of yesterday all because i worked from home and didn't have to take calls for a week. the reason i didn't have to take calls for a week? i was on a work trip. first person from my department to be sent on a client on-site ever. i got to go see a client that i've been working with as their exclusive person for one of our products for over a year now, which was cool. it was a nice, though quick, trip.

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slow spiral

this year is just not going anywhere for me. i feel like i'm constantly running in circles and hitting the wall again and again. i've tackled a major project, ignored most of my social and personal life, and feel like a failure. i take the most calls nearly every day and, when i don't, i'm in the top three - unless i purposefully am off the phones doing other things. i'm constantly feeling like i'm on the phone and getting a backlog of cases to enter with next to no means of getting the time to catch up. i'm given means to try and catch up and it all goes down the toilet after a few days because we're so busy.

i'm just so done with it. i feel like i'm barely treading water and am about to sink. i'm pulling everyone back and fucking things up all because i can't keep up. i need to find something else before i explode. i found myself sitting on the bus home today imagining things with more feeling behind them than i had in a very long time. i'm miserable. i have no escapes - no time or energy for my hobbies. if i step away any more from what little i do online, i'll have virtually no socialization outside of the little i get at work (customer calls don't count). not to mention, i don't do much online anymore anyway, so the timesucks i do get stuck in are the only way of 'relaxing' that i have.

grah! i don't know what else to say...it's just...all i want to do most days is curl up in a ball and either cry or sleep. i don't want to deal with this anymore.

sometimes...

i wish i could change the world and how things are. things need to be better, but in the best of ways. i can't keep dealing with the bad...i'm gonna break one of these days.

my piece...

over the past 13 years we have become a society steeped in fear; overshadowed by nebulous threat; and fed on hatred. we are told that there are those out to get us and that, because of that, it is okay to act with whatever malice we feel towards those who are different. we place blame and point fingers, being told it is okay to do so and to ignore our own contributions and faults. we are all guilty of some form of tacit acceptance of the way things are today, even if we are outspoken either to the good or the detriment - intelligently in our rhetoric, or blindly in our lashing out.

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on opinions in the hobby...

there are some people in this hobby i wish i could slap with a salmon...and then a frying pan...seriously, you are not an expert nor is your opinion the be all, end all. i respect your opinion, but stop preaching it like it is the only opinion people can have. if someone asks a question and people give answers, don't outright discount them because they aren't what you agree with. or don't jump in and tell someone how wrong they are because you think something is some way. most of all, don't speak as if you are an authority on what a company should do because they owe it to their customers.

disagree with me all you like, but check your facts, admit when you are wrong, and don't act like a jerk to someone because they are not 100% in line with what you have to say. because of people like that, there are more and more lurkers, there are confessions that can be pretty nasty or express being afraid to get into the hobby. there are people who are scared to step into discussions or go to meets, people who have had a bad experience and see this behavior and then assume that the rest of the people in the hobby are the same.

yes, i have my own opinions on things, but i try to be open to other opinions. i have had my mind changed about things i felt strongly on because i didn't immediately attack someone for having a difference of opinion. i let them speak and heard their argument; i learned and reformed my own opinion with that new knowledge. yes, i have participated in discussions and had my facts slightly off, but i have admitted i was wrong or apologized as needed and corrected my knowledge. i have watched as so much opined misinformation gets spouted as fact and my cautions and corrections are attacked that i mostly bite my tongue and don't comment anymore because saying things has done no good. i only offer my opinion publicly on most things anymore when asked and do not volunteer it freely.

all of this being said, think before you speak. if you are posting something about a company as a fact, check your facts first instead of posting conjecture as truth. don't brush someone's opinion off as wrong just because it is different, maybe they have greater experience or more facts about something than you.

if any of my followers or anyone reading this would like to engage in a discussion or has questions about anything, please feel free to contact me. if i don't know about something and can't answer a question, i'll try to point you in the right direction. if you simply wish to discuss something, i'm open to it. i like to share what small knowledge i have, meet people in the hobby, and learn from others' knowledge about things.

falling apart

so it's been a little over a month since i last posted, but it has gone by so fast. my schedule now causes work to take up so much of my life that the days blur together. this is also the first weekend in a while that i haven't been out doing things. in the past month i've spent my weekends out and about seeing the tut exhibit, at doll meets, and at doll shows. i've been so busy on the weekends that i finally had to decide not to go anywhere this one. sadly, that meant i gave up going to steam-con yet again. but i won't be sad about that as going even for a day would have done more harm than good (i couldn't really move yesterday morning due to immense pain in my lower back - like, crippling pain).

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less than zero

i guess priorities fall where they may, but sometimes it's really depressing to find out you just don't seem to register at all on the scale. welcome to the land of less than zero. u_u

photographic annoyances

so i was just looking at some threads on doa and, in a couple of them, people were talking about their photography. one person said their photos weren't "professional" and apologized. i assume that the reasoning is that the photos have no backdrop or setting aside from the kitchen table, etc. do people not realize that their photos aren't actually professional unless they are themselves a professional photographer? do people not realize that professional means that it is your profession? your job? seriously. snapshots are okay when you just want to show something off. photography is a hobby for most people. within the bjd hobby it is an attendant hobby. you don't have to take pro style shots. hell, most of the photos that people think of as professional aren't really all that close in my opinion.

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to that final frontier...

i just watched a video of neil de grasse tyson talking about nasa and its budget. the whole time i sat here trying not to be sad because we have basically pulled out of the space race.

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PSA: valentine's edition

debated posting this to fb, but decided to post here instead so as to avoid the shitstorm it might cause since i don't feel up to the drama:

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the ever pressing wig question...

so the question that always seems to be asked every page or so in the minifee discussion on doa is "what size wig should i use?" or, well, some variation thereon. i've answered several times recently and, just now, answered yet again with the following:

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ch-ch-ch-changes

the past few months have been quite hectic and i can't believe that they're gone. the end of september seems like such a long time ago, and yet it feels like the interceding time has gone by in nearly the blink of an eye. there's so much that has happened...

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of rocks

today started off like any other day: i woke up, was amazed that i didn't end up taking off the brace on my ankle during the night (for once), hated my alarm, stumbled around getting ready and headed out the door to work. the bus was on time, i got to work on time, i clocked in and started going about my normal routine. things were going well. nothing was out of the ordinary, really. then the hr manager stopped by and told everyone we were about to have an all-employee meeting.

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a dream that won't go away

last night i had a dream. it won't go away. it won't leave me alone. it's wanted me back.

and i've wanted it.

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uninspired and uninspiring

i can't help but feel like there's no point for me to even try sometimes. even on as nice and relaxing a day as today the feeling persists.

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unhappiness for the con

putting this under the cut because i'm angry and it needs to be read in full and not just in part...

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annihilate me

i'm hitting a new low tonight for the first time in months. i don't care if i feel selfish for telling friends that i'm depressed or putting it up on here (like anyone even looks at this thing except me and random searches pulling up random things i've linked to). at this point, i'm pretty down in the dumps. it's that time of year that i'm ready to just say fuck it and want everything to just end. the worst time of year for me. *sigh* fuck.

i feel like a bitch even putting it out there that i don't feel happy. it's such a comfortable mask to hide behind pretending for the world that i'm strong and happy - or, well, normal and somewhat satisfied. it feels like i'm trying to get some attention, but at the same time this makes me feel worse. why can't things be fine? why can't i feel like there's no pressure? why can't i have the basic things that others take for granted?

the pressure is building up...one of these days it's going to annihilate me...

seems like forever

so, it seems like forever since i've written anything here - and, really, it has been. lately it just feels worthless to do much, if anything, here. i haven't been editing photos to put up (which i should) and i haven't been taking any new ones really (again, i should, but weekends are the only time i have when it is light out at this time of year and i am typically trying to get other things done). *sigh* whatever.

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